


The Unspeakable Love

by LordofHamsters



Category: The Big Bang Theory
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-09-05 00:55:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16800475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordofHamsters/pseuds/LordofHamsters
Summary: “The do you love me?”“Of course I do, Raj. You will always be my dearest friend in this whole wide world.”And Raj immediately knew what to do.





	The Unspeakable Love

Raj had never been overly fond of social occasions. Not that he disliked the food and wine, the gentlemen in their best suits and ladies in gorgeous colours, but things were just as not easy for him as for the rest of the party. It was his second or third day in a new country, and he was all alone and eager to know new people like any newbie would be. Yet his selective mutism had denied him with all possibilities to socialize. With a woman here and a woman there, he had to be as quite as a boiled potato, and all he could do was to fill up his mouth with food to hide the apparent embarrassment. Until suddenly someone patted him on the shoulder.  
It was a small man with a childish haircut, in a colourful turtleneck and tight pants. He was about the same age with Raj and had a clever face.  
“Hi, I am Howard. Howard Wolowitz from the Engineering Department.”  
With the beautiful women in white a few feet away, Raj failed to reply but just smiled politely.  
“You wanna try the steaks? They are unbelievably juicy and tasty. Even better than the ones my ma made me.”  
Raj shook his head slightly.  
“Sorry, how stupid was I. Apparently you are Indian.”  
Raj had never been dogmatic about his religion and traditions. Not after the best science education and all his years in Cambridge. Although it was true that he had never eaten any beef till the very moment, he felt that he didn’t mind and shouldn’t let this lovely dude down.  
“No.” With his best effort to keep the ladies out of his vision, Raj answered sheepishly.  
He took a cautious bite. It was indeed juicy and tasty, better than any food he had known in this world.  
“Dr. Koothrappali?” The woman in white turned around and asked Raj, “I have read your paper on asteroids last month. It was ground-breaking work.”   
On the one hand, Raj was grateful for her praise, but on the other hand he just couldn’t answer.  
“May I ask how you came up with such a brilliant idea?”  
Raj felt so embarrassed. He felt it would only be impolite if he failed to answer, but he was just physically unable to do so. Instead, he just whispered some words into Howard’s ear, but started repenting the moment he finished. What would he think of me?  
“Dr. Smith, I believe this nice gentleman here has a little unfortunate condition.” Howard said, “You see, he suffers from a psychological disorder that has disabled him from talking to women. If you’re still interested, he would love to talk with you over the email.”  
Raj just had to thank all the gods that he had Howard.

Howard became Raj’s first friend in Pasadena, and best in the world. They had lunch together at the Caltech cafeteria, played Halo together in the evenings, and went to the comic book store together on weekends. They shared their interests, and Howard was just the smartest and nicest and funniest guy with all his magic tricks, his language talents and his awkward little inventions. Yet Howard just longed for one thing that Raj had never expressed much interest on.  
Howard was desperate to have a girlfriend. He developed his theories and invented his tricks, he searched for every party and bar in Pasadena trying to find love. Despite all his trials in vain and Raj’s lack of interest, he persisted, and Raj still acted as the most faithful wingman for his dear friend – and a quietest one due to his inability to speak to women.  
“Oh Raj, who will ever love me? Which girl will ever show the slightest interest on a tiny man who still lives with his mom?”  
“It wasn’t much easier for me if it makes you feel better.” Raj answered.  
“Not really, you could be Mr. Charmalamalan only if you can talk to women. See, you’re handsome in an exotic way, you’re kind and caring, and best of all, you have super rich parents. Girls will line up from Pasadena to New Delhi crying for your attention.”  
But Raj CANNOT talk to women. Not that he couldn’t appreciate the beauty in females nor he didn’t enjoy his one or two occasional sexual adventures with random women, but it was just impossible for Raj to develop a meaningful relationship with someone if he couldn’t even talk to her. Women remained glorious, distant and mysterious beings for Raj. Not that he did not desire love or family. Perhaps he could find a girl who is deaf. Or a girl who also has some psychological disorder so that she would understand his own defect.

The blond girl hugged Raj.  
She was probably the most beautiful creature Raj had ever laid his eyes on. With her perfect bodice, her flawless features, her glittering golden hair.  
A thousand goddesses chorused in Raj’s heart.  
He smelled her perfume, and on his chest, he could feel the pressure from her breasts. He had to shift his lower body slightly to prevent the girl from noticing his slight erection.  
…  
Howard asked how Penny hugged Raj.  
“Like this.” Raj hugged his friend like Penny had previously did to him. Howard was such a skinny creature and he felt even smaller under Raj’s embracement. Raj felt none of the excitement or arousal he had felt with Penny, yet somehow Howard’s tiny stature just felt right in his arms. Raj enjoyed his familiar weight and warmth against his body. In a second, he just wished this could go on and on.  
And he felt Howard’s arms tightened around his neck.

Raj never thought Bernadette would be the woman for Howard. In fact, he wouldn’t bet if they could make it to the second or third date. Yet somehow Bernadette became the first long-term girlfriend of Howard. Raj felt happy for his friend, but on the other hand he couldn’t help but felt a little jealous.  
Bernadette was undeniably an attractive woman, although she was even tinier than Howard and had a squeaky, childish voice. But oh, with her hair like melted gold, with her delicate features, with these pair of breasts! Even her aggressive character had only made her cuter. Raj couldn’t help but imagined his best friend’s girl in a gorgeous red saree, holding his hand and dancing with him in a Bollywood manner – and they just danced and danced and danced till forever.  
The thousand goddesses chorused.  
Until Raj realized it was Howard’s hand he wished to be holding.  
…  
Raj lost his ability to speak the moment Howard and Bernadette entered the telescope room.  
He drank so that he could talk, but unfortunately, he had way too much.  
Bernadette’s face lost focus, but somehow seemed even more beautiful before his eyes. He told her his fear that he would never find someone to love, and she soothed him with nice words. Finally, with all his recklessness he kissed her.  
Her lips tasted like new roses. Her kiss was sweeter than lilac.  
Until Raj realized it was Howard’s face he was holding.  
Part of Raj longed for more. Yet his more sensible part told him that keeping things where they were was probably the best for all three of them.  
Several seconds later, Raj realized Howard only kissed him to keep him from kissing his girlfriend.

“Do you love Bernadette?”  
“Hmm-hmm, it was a hard question to ask. I mean, Bernie is pretty, and smart, and reasonable. But do I love her? Well, maybe not like Leonard’s ideocratic, strong-headed fascination for his neighbouring girl. In fact, on our first dates, I could never have imagined she would turn out to be the Mrs. Right for me. But we have been through a long way, and I have grown into a much better man in our relationship. I am a tiny little man who still lives with his mom, and I would never stand a chance finding a better girl than Bernie. I should only thank the god for what I have for this moment, and I would only feel thrilled if Bernie would be the woman who will spend the rest of her life with me.”  
Raj knew he was true. Despite often pretending to be a playboy, Howard had longed for settling down even more than working with Stephen Hawking or going into the space.  
“The do you love me?”  
“Of course I do, Raj. You will always be my dearest friend in this whole wide world.”  
And Raj immediately knew what to do.

Raj had loved an unspeakable love. Fortunately, he was amazing at being mute.  
As Howard’s best man, he cried and cried at his wedding and failed to say a word.  
Howard used to be his whole world. And now he had to share his world with someone else.

Life did not change by much after Howard’s marriage. They still went to the cafeteria together at twelve. They still played Halo with Sheldon and Leonard in the evenings. They still went to the comic book store, flew kites and skated together on the weekends. But it was the times that Howard insisted that he should be having dinner with Bernadette reminded Raj that his best friend was now otherwise occupied, and things were no longer like they had been in the old days.  
Raj decided that he too needed a girl.

Raj dated many women, first a deaf girl and later a girl also with an unfortunate psychological condition, until he magically cured his selective mutism along the way and dated a couple more. All the women are beautiful and mysterious in their own way. But none of them ever managed to win Raj’s heart.

Raj’s life was illuminated by Bernadette’s pregnancy. He was overwhelmed, and he did everything for his best friend’s girl. He bought her a crib and a swing, he cooked her baby food and put her into sweet dreams, and he planned her first birthday party. Raj loved Howard’s younger child for no less. He practically became a third parent for them.  
He no longer dated. He knew that he could love no single woman or man more than he loved Howard.  
Raj had always been a needy man in love, and he didn’t care whether it was lover, friend or family.  
And he knew that Howard had made their house password Raj’s birthday.


End file.
